Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
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[Getting ready to go out]
Her: Is that what you’re wearing?
Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.
Me *at my office*: “Do you need someplace to put that out?”
Client: “I’m not smoking.”
Me: “No, I meant your kid.”
Favourite diary entry ever
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”
I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.
Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.
You have to keep it to a low ha.
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes
my niece is 6 and she hates wearing jeans because she hates the zippers and how they scrunch up. but she doesn’t call them jeans, she calls them “weiner pants” and i wish i didn’t find that out as she yelled it in the store.
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
14 y.o.: OMG MOM!!!! Are you okay?!?! Do you need some water? Are you having a heart attack? Why does your face look like that?
⠀
Me: I’m not having a heart attack, I just ran for five minutes.
Hey microwaves that make me hit a “time” button before I start pressing numbers: what else would I be trying to do here, make a phone call?
Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
Pharmaceutical ads really be like “HEY is your doctor an IDIOT? suggest this drug to them bc they’re probably so DUMB they haven’t even THOUGHT of it YET”
Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don’t you take a “how to eat sandwiches without choking” course?
[date night]
*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*Let’s do this.
The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:
Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.
Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.
If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
app: do u want me to notify u
me: of what
app: of me
me: i know about u
app: this is to remind u
me: don’t need that
app: ok let’s discuss again later
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.