Daughter didn’t want “sunscream” so I put her outside and yelled “SUN…. GET HER” and now she’s flipping out.
You Might Also Like
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
7yo: What are these?
Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.
7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time
When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.
Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?No mate, a landline 🙄
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”
Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great
what kind of cook setting is this??
As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.
My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
Me: We spend a lot of time together.
Her: Turn left.
Me: Just think we should take this to the next level.
Her: Arriving at destination.
It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang
Does your cat do that thing where he refuses to eat the stale bowl bikkies so you take the bowl up to the kitchen counter and shake it around a bit and then they think you’ve swapped it out for fresh bikkies and they happily crunch it up ehehehe what a tiny idiot
Singin’ in the Rain is a beloved Oscar-winning classic, but singin’ on the train will get you harsh stares and a six seater all to yourself.
DR: So, you’re 36 years old, 4 foot tall & sound like a woman. How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?
BART: I don’t know where my hair starts
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.
I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now
My 4yo told me to hold her baby as she walked away with her dad. My 4yo left me in a restaurant alone with a fake baby in my arms. I should’ve put the the baby down, but I didn’t. I just held it like a real baby. Why? Idk why. Parenthood is wild.
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0
Me: Ok I’m trusting you guys to stay home alone.
Kid 1: Ok.
Me: What are you doing.
Kid 1: Microwaving foil.
Me: What?! No. No metal in the microwave.
Kid 2: Are Hot Wheels cars metal?
Me: Um. Yeah but why-
Kid 1: OH just wrap the Hot Wheel cars in foil.
Me: I’m gonna stay home.