Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?
Me: Huh?
Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.
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crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
[harry potter at work]
Coworker: you can see those crazy winged horses huh
Harry: a thestral, yes
Coworker: cause you saw whosamort kill your classmate
Harry: his name was cedric & it was a very dark point in my life
Coworker: so speaking of dark the copier needs more toner
Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
I heard a girl at the bar last night drunkenly ask the bartender “what’s the closest drink you guys have to a chicken nugget.”
Husband: where you off to?
Me: bathroom
Husband: you have to pee again?
Me: no, I gotta cough
Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!
Me: What did you learn about at school?
10-year-old: States.
Me: What did you learn about them?
10: That there’s too many.
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe
safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee
Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”
one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…