Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.
Me: Where? The basement?
Daughter: No, up in my room.
Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?
Daughter:
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The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
Me: Alexa, who would you rather marry, Siri or Cortana?
A: I’m an AI, monogamous relationships are irrelevant
M: Oh you naughty minx!
Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy#medicalvalentine
date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken
You know who else has a naughty list?
HR
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.
Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”
[restaurant]
can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?
-how bout just one whole pizza instead?
oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza
I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia
dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife
When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!
ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck