Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
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The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
Rock Singer: I SAID, YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!
Me: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WE DON’T HAVE MICROPHONES ON THIS SIDE?!
old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.
Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”
Angel: how long should dogs live?
God: how about 12 yearsAngel: horses?
God: 20Angel: cats?
God: 15Angel: sea turtles?
God: ONE HUNDRED FIFTYAngel: oh no it’s happening again
God: haha, hey ask me about fliesAngel *rubs temples*: …fine
God: like 12 minutes lol
My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful
yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government
Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster
Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security
Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
Having a pet is basically just asking “how did you get so cute?” followed by “why are you wet?” 6 or 7 times a day.
no such thing as a dumb question
[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen
if you tell me to watch until the end, the end better be in five seconds
“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing