Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.
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YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.
Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.
A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
Me: Okay, you’re up
Kid: …. Trick or Treat
Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!
Kid: Mom, this is stupid
Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???
Me: I think our son is feeling ostrichsized
Wife: Don’t you mean ostracized?
*son enters, feathered, elongated neck and legs*
Me: No
[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
Basically.
been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.
About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.
I am ashamed of the scream I made.
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?
Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillowHim:
Pillow