Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!
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when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
[anniversary text]
H: miss u already. don’t get too lonely in that hotel suite w/o me.
M: *soaking in hot tub, sipping 4th mimosa while eating chocolate covered strawberries* who dis?
customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any
me: that’s how good they are
customer: the cage door is open
me: *looking around nervously* oh no
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.
“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”
“So you don’t end up like me”
“What, awesome?”
“Alright fine, no school today”
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
the three branches of government
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries
kfc: you mean potato wedges?
me: yes potato wedges please
[shipwreck diary]
Day 32: a plane flew over last night but I fired the only flare on day 5 to celebrate my first solid shit in over a week
Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!
Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic