Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!
Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.
Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?
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Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.
ME: and what are we going to do next time?
7YR OLD: you’re going to let me know in advance before you shave your beard
M: and for you?
7: I’m not going to scream “STRANGER! DANGER!” or call 911
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
Watching TV
Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…
Me: Woo! They said my birthday!
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
[helping kid w/math]
What is 0.1 as a fraction?
“One tenth?”
Good, now what does 10% mean?
“Battery low, plug in your phone?”
Perfect
Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*
*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can
Wife: I took a pregnancy test
Me: positive?
Wife: yes Graham, I’m sure I pissed on a stick
I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.