Daughter: It’s Halloween…let’s do something really scary.
Me: You’re in luck…I’m just about to do the bills.
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What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
[texting]
HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?
Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium
HG: ?
N: SeNd NeWDs
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.
Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?
Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.
[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.
If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.
By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.
[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.
Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.
I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
Kid being grounded in 1978:
YOU CAN’T GO OUTSIDE. YOU MUST STAY IN YOUR ROOM.
Kid being grounded in 2018:
YOU CAN’T STAY IN YOUR ROOM. YOU MUST GO OUTSIDE.
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.