@SvetySveta

Daughter made me a dish:
Me, swallowing: Mmm, it’s so delicious! And even smells like strawberries!
Her: It’s because of the shampoo.

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@Paxochka

I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.

@818Newbie

I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.

@leechee420

Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”

@thepaulasuzanne

My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.

In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”

I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”

19 y.o.: “What?”

Me: “I didn’t say anything.”

@MrBikferd

Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.

@matt_travelling

Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?

Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?

@louisvirtel

“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.

@skedaddle74

My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.

Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?