Daughter made me a dish:
Me, swallowing: Mmm, it’s so delicious! And even smells like strawberries!
Her: It’s because of the shampoo.
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OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”
-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway
[presentation]
GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?
ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?
Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.
Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.
It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.
I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog
I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders
Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”
Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
Me (remembering that girls like cute things): do you like peppa pig?
Date:
Me (remembering girls like tough guys): I killed her
I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.
[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
7: MOMMY!
Me: *flys out of bed* What’s wrong?
7: I don’t know what time it is
Me: It’s the middle of the night
7: Then why are you awake?
Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.