Daughter: Mom! I’m bringing Carl home to meet you guys this weekend
Me: I should warn you, we’re going to be nude this weekend
Her: What??
Me: Yes, Friday to Sunday with no clothes
Her: Why?
Me: We want to be naked
Her: Why can’t you just admit you don’t like him
Me: So naked
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zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.
WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen
Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.
[infomercial]
ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!
AUDIENCE: YES!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*
I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir
My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.
Me too, bag. Me too….
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
[eating paste]
Here’s what I think…
police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground
Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday
Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
SURGEON: *cutting open patient’s torso*
NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement!
SURGEON: there’s a Pokémon in there
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me
Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
Crossing guard: *motioning for me to walk* go ahead
Me: but there’s a lot of cars coming
Crossing guard: *looks at me eating a burrito sideways* nah, you’re good
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.