Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?
Me:
Daughter:
Me:
Daughter:
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!
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I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs
My husband kidnapped me for a romantic weekend away. Now I’m just lying here wondering when I’m getting out of the trunk.
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
The preschoolers got to choose a free book from the book fair, so my kid came home with one we already have because she knows she likes it, and I can’t fault that logic
Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .
I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.
And my shoes got wet.
Dolls on drugs
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
i was carrying a 15′ handrail through menards when i jokingly challenged a lady to a jousting match. later, when i thought i saw her again in the parking lot, i said ‘are you ready to joust!” but it wasn’t the same lady.
Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.
Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.
If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.
[gets on Facebook]
[types “you pushed me away but expected me to stay”]
[everyone nods, this is considered extremely good shit on there]
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing
Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
Me: What’d you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
I rented this bobcat to help me dig up my new pool but he won’t even hold the shovel. He’s just eating all the neighborhood squirrels.
Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”
“He’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.