Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert

HER: nice i love coldplay

ME: ok we have two problems

Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then

A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.

My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.

ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?

It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic

Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.

Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.

My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party

She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered

Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.

You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to run

This concludes your parenting course.

my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed

*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses

Me: I’m totally getting used to this

Husband: getting used to what?

Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff

Husband: again getting used to what?

[Silence]

Me: I hate you

I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”

Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.

6yo Me: I can’t do this.

Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.

6yo Me: I cannot do this.

Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never!

[in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]

Eating too much fruitcake is the sin of gluttony.

However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero.

#FruitCakeDay #RubbishJokes #Dadjokes

People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.

My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.

Anyway, she’s my new life coach.

Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django

The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship

Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?

[interview]

So what’s a personal strength?

“Honesty.”

And a failing?

“I murder people who don’t hire me.”

goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.

Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.

Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out