Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
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“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
*giraffe getting his daily coffee*
G: usual grande mocha man
Barista: gee that’s a…
G: *sigh*
B:…tall order
G: Christ, every goddam day Phil
Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty
Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%
them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more
My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream
My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.
Titanic (1997)
A woman cheats on her rich fiancé with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.
when you don’t want to be too vague
One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.
And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.
ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
dream jobs:
• soup reviewer
• seer who prophesies your doom
• old lady who solves crimes in a little english village
• old lady who COMMITS crimes in a little english village
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl