Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.
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if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.
This line from Airplane.
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*
hot air balloon pilot: we’re gonna crash
me: oh no
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot: aaany minute
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
Friend: So, do you workout?
Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?
Friend: No
Me: Yeah, neither have I.
Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.
Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.
*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*
Him: Ouch!
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.
[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol
remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?