daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you think that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
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Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
Feels like there should be a middle ground
Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.
Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away
Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions
My 2yo definitely has a future in the restaurant industry, she always waits until I’ve got a mouthful of food, then asks me a question!
“The truth has finally been revealed” around the world:
5. The cat is out of the bag (English)
4. The bunny is out of the hat (Czech)
3. The pigeon falls out of your mouth (Romanian)
2. The turtle’s feet have appeared (Taiwanese)
1. Now the monkey comes out of the sleeve (Dutch)
Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.
Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.
Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.
Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.
My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims
My inexpensive home security system…
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*
john wicks are toilet candles
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage
“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
Person: Do you have a license for that thing?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked after I killed my third pedestrian.
Optional boss fight.
Secret Panel HERE 🤘
[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him