Daughter: we’re both wearing vests again!
Me: that makes us vest friends!
Daughter: vest friends forever!
Me:
Daughter:
Me: HAHAHAHA!
Daughter: HAHAHAHA!
Wife: did you buy those just so you can make that joke with her?
Me: i’m invested in our relationship : )
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Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween
I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…
why did we just collectively decide that fantasy worlds need to be populated solely by british, irish, scottish, welsh, new zealand, and australian accents? i want ethereal faires who sound like they were born and raised on a farm in tennessee
When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.
Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass
I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage-my wedding
Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film
HIPSTER: I preferred the original
M: Original? What original?
H: Nosfera One.
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it