Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?
Me: no idea.
Daughter: a Dinosnore : )
Me: [sniff].
Daughter: are you crying?
Me: I’m just so proud of you.
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I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok
What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
NOW!
My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.
[toddler birthday party]
Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?
Wife: mine’s-
Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?
Wife: -432 months.
Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.
Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
[getting arrested after heist]
Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout
Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this
I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”
-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway
Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.
I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.