Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let’s watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.
You Might Also Like
Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew ✔
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
PhewThe Chosen Phew
“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?
Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!
911: Have u tried looking in her house?
Turtle: oops never mind.
adding to the discourse
Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
The honesty is refreshing
Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
My summer body has been pending for about ten years
An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.
I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”
Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time
Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.