Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh
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I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
[new coffee shop]
DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE
I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
i used to store stuff in my bra bc i hated carrying a purse. this one time i was making out with a guy n he unhooked my bra and a bunch of shit clunked onto the floor. he stopped and was like “what is that?” and i was like “don’t worry about it” and he was like “is that a knife?”
“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
how to exercise your calf muscles
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave
my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”
Me: My body is a temple
Personal Trainer: But what about all the food and wine and parties?
Me: It’s a temple to Dionysus
Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”
It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.
I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles
Me: hey!
20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old
I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.
I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.