DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?
ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.
[2AM]
ME:WIFE: Go to sleep.
ME: What if it is though?
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If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.
Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.
Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.
Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?
math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class
boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.
Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.
[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*