Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*
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My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
This has made my week.
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???
giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first
me: ah sorry martin
medium rat demon: come back to bed baby
Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.
Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.
If Nelly tells you “it’s getting hot in here”, it’s not your job as a journalist to take off all your clothes, it’s your job as a journalist to look out the window and find out if it’s true
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?
Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.
Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?
Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
I should be able to publicly wear a CLOAK without being questioned. Am I a medieval archer? Will I recite poetry by a babbling brook? Can I restore my own HP and the HP of all nearby party members? Only God can judge me, dipshits
If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.
BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”
DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred