Daughter: what’s nostalgia?
Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.
[later]
Me: I’m home from work!
Wife: aw we missed you!
Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.
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Gurt: Hey guys, what should we call this new dairy snack?
Keith: Yo Gurt, I have an idea.
Gurt: Dude, you’re a genius.
Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?
Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.
I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes
My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.
Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE
Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night
How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
I’m going to need a moment here.
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.
*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.
[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon