Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
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My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.
Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.
The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn’t just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.
When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
I want this so bad
Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
My son gave me the ultimate Mother’s Day gift: he just brought out all of the cups & dishes from his room & filled the kitchen sink.
I’m so blessed.
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh
Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
Today’s short poem is called ‘Passwords’.
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”
Did…did a minotaur write this
Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.
I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes