Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?

Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.

You Might Also Like


You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.


You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.


[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”


[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly


MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point


– “I love Beyoncé…

– Whatever floats your boat mate.

– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.

– …”


Me: Was this product tested on animals?

Clerk: Yes.

Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!

Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.


If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.

Bread is a hell of a drug.