Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.
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cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort
*meets girl for coffee*
*sets down blueprints for bank*
“What’s this?”
Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.
I said, “Ok, what do you want?”
She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
Waking kids up 1st day of school: hey sweeties time to wake up I made you a frittata, fruit salad, and freshly squeezed orange juice
Waking kids up for the second day of school: EVERYBODY UP WE’RE LATE GRAB A POP TART AND GOOOOO
The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!
Me: You’re right. *walks away*
I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.
I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.
cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
Me: Send me pics
Girl: What you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Girl: What ?
Me:
i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”
girls literally only want one thing..
[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*
DREAM WEDDING IDEAS:
– my ex who is still in love with me attends & is dramatically sad
– grandma gets tipsy & I find out what REALLY happened to cousin Louise
– The bridesmaid I secretly hate trips down the aisle & the video goes viral
– there’s like a groom or w/e idc
Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*
My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”
happy friday