@TwoSapphiresBlu

Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?

Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.

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@juneohara65

You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.

@SaveItForFest

You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.

@stephenjmolloy

[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”

@david8hughes

[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly

@girlfr0g

MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point

@Jeffwni

– “I love Beyoncé…

– Whatever floats your boat mate.

– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.

– …”

@rickolantern

Me: Was this product tested on animals?

Clerk: Yes.

Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!

Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.

@toomanycommas3

If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.

Bread is a hell of a drug.