@juneohara65 You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
@TwoSapphiresBlu Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.
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@juneohara65 
@SaveItForFest You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
@stephenjmolloy [Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”
@maebemarbles *crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
@david8hughes [at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
@girlfr0g MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
@WhatsAGreenhorn Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie
@Jeffwni – “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
@rickolantern Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
@toomanycommas3 If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.