You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.
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You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”
*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.