Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
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Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way
My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.
wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what
mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth
Traveler’s camo
Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
[months from now]
CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside
Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
“I’m so sorry”
“No, I’m really sorry”
“No, I’m even sorrier than you”
“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”
*mutual hug*
-Canadian rap battle
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!
9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet
I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.
I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors
*first day as a firefighter*
I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight