Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
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People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.
I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad
*1st dinner date*
Me: waiter, can I get the bill-
Her: I love sophisticated guys
Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.
Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.
[inventing potato chips]
CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?
Inventor: in a sturdy box
CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag
Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!
CEO: fill the bag with air
Inventor:
CEO: really strong air
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.
THE GIRL SCOUTS ANNOUNCED A NEW COOKIE NAMED RASPBERRY RALLY AND IF THEY THINK THEY’RE GOING TO GET ME TO BUY MORE OF THEIR UNHEALTHY, FATTENING COOKIES TO RUIN MY DIET, I’ll take 25 boxes please.
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.
Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices
Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!