“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
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The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
Considering all the air molecules pressing against me in this universe and the incredible strength I’m using to not implode, I really shouldn’t have to fast and work out to be hot. This is bullshit.
Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.
The little toadstool has spoken.
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.
Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.
Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?
I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.
My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.
I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.
“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”
“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
Anyone else’s grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?
“…just don’t tell your mother.”
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.