Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
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Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.
My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?
Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.
Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.
Autocorrect is my menesis
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
i used to store stuff in my bra bc i hated carrying a purse. this one time i was making out with a guy n he unhooked my bra and a bunch of shit clunked onto the floor. he stopped and was like “what is that?” and i was like “don’t worry about it” and he was like “is that a knife?”
GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.
“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”
GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.
My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.
Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.
*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs
So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.