“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”
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We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
early stone age tool
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*
The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate
Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?
Him: *disables smoke alarm*
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.
My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit
CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.