“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
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I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.
Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?
Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.
Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.
P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.
Me: Is that a beret?
P: Oui.
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.
What the hell kind of scary shit is that?
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
Relationships are easy as pie!
*burns pie*
Print is alive and well!!!
Knuckle tats:
(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)
(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)
When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside
I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
I don’t go down to the docks anymore because once I was mistaken for a big bag of sausages and got scooped up by a forklift. Life can be sad.
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else