David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.
Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-
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Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said
“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
therapist: so what’s troubling you?
me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate
therapist: and how does that make you feel?
me: fine
A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date
*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.
Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”
[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!
Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.
If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
I’ve never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend’s party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn’t invited.
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
So, lemme get this straight…
Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.
Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.
I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.
[doctors]
“How long have I got?”
“Not long. Two, three months”
[casually places apple on desk]
“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”
Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage