DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]
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If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.
Intel’s responses are magic:
– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale
If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
lost dog
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
*pulls up pants*
Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?
Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
BECAUSE YOU SHARED THAT VIDEO EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS ABANDONED THEIR CAR AND RUN INTO THE FLAMES TO SAVE A RABBIT. THE RABBIT POPULATION IS NOW SPREADING FASTER THAN THE FIRE. THEY ARE 0% CONTAINED. I CAN HEAR THEIR LITTLE FEET COMING THIS WAY. OH NO MY WINDOWS ARE OPE
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
NASA : we were wrong , there ARE 9 planets in the Solar System
PLUTO: I’m back, baby!
NASA: because we found a new one!
PLUTO: SON OF A
I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.
Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.
Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.
Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.