David Attenborough, the confusing early years
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I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.
*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling
[at pet store]
“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”
“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”
guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.