David Attenborough: The faster antelope species always keep their slower cousins, the cantaloupe, nearby to throw under the feet of predators to trip them thus creating a hilarious pile up on the savannah.
You Might Also Like
We usually make prime rib for Christmas dinner but with the prices of beef we’ve had to make some slight adjustments.
[Christmas dinner]
Me [serving guests]: More ramen?
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
“Somebody needs to go to the store!”-mom yelling from the kitchen
“Jason, you think you’re somebody. Why don’t you go to the store?”- Dad
Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.
a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention
Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.
My teenage children choosing violence
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two
Wife: Why did you have to cook all of it at once? Not only do we now have to eat 5 pounds of the stuff for breakfast but the whole house smells like bacon!
Me: I’m failing to see what part of this is upsetting
I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.
A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
Me: Okay… Time for bed.
Brain: Cool.
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??
I just found out my dad carries around my 4YO’s toy car with him. When he feels stressed or sad, he reaches into his pocket and holds it. I’m teary-eyed thinking about how my child’s object brings my father comfort, but damn, we’ve been looking for that.
What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
{Jeopardy}
Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus?
Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can’t jump, Alex.
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]
3yo: I hate vegetables!
Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?
3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!
Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’