[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
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I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
Woah woah woah… You can’t be a loan shark right away! You have to start at the bottom. You’ll be a loan sea cucumber.
I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg
Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife
Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy
I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.
Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David
Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
Hang on, dude in the stall next to me has a Spanish soap opera on. I have to find out if this chick’s pregnant.
When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)
Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
If looks could kill
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain