DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]
You Might Also Like
Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?
I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
Happy thanksgiving!
YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.
Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza.
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.
When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.
But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.
You’re like if “nope” was a person.
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:
Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeansDisadvantages
None that I can think of
“Easy as pie” does not sound easy to me. Make it “Easy as Hot Pockets” or “Easy as eating six pickles straight out of the jar without even closing the fridge”
I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her