David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested
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If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.
I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it
Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
*During sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?
Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
*the night I met my spouse*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
the best thing to throw at your spouse when you’re having a fight is a croissant cuz he’ll try to catch it in his mouth but it comes back to you like a boomerang & that’s just a delicious way to end a marriage . you’re welcome .
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
[Yelp Customer Review]
Bill’s Wild West Saloon
Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars
USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”
Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.
WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…