David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?

Audience full of Dogs: OMG!

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[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirt

Interviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?


Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”


librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh


WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!


My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.


MY BODY: You should exercise

ME: That sounds good

MY BODY: Because it’s heathy

ME: Yeah!

MY BODY: And makes you feel good

ME: Definitely!

MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!

ME: I’m lost



Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.

*flips table into moon*

Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.


I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.


I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.


Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable