David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?
Audience full of Dogs: OMG!
You Might Also Like
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?
Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
*speed dating*
I’m a competitive eater!
Date: Are you any good?
[grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask
my sentiments exactly
After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser
“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese
“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”
Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”
My 3yo just had the biggest meltdown and at one point he yelled “I’m going to sneak out of my room in the middle of the night and barricade the kitchen and so nobody in the family can eat food ever again” and I just don’t know. No parenting book could have prepared me for him.