@EndhooS [Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirtInterviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?
@AmericanGent69 David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?
Audience full of Dogs: OMG!
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@EndhooS 
@JustLittlePizza Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
@SvnSxty librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
@ln0217 WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
@ozzyunc My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
@theguywitheyes MY BODY: You should exercise
ME: That sounds good
MY BODY: Because it’s heathy
ME: Yeah!
MY BODY: And makes you feel good
ME: Definitely!
MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!
ME: I’m lost
@Reverend_Scott HULK WANT LOAN
Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.
GREEN PEOPLE??
*flips table into moon*Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.
@Mr_goose007 I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
@baronvonbike I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
@ThisLocalHater Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable