David Duke says Jews aren’t white. Eric Trump says Democrats aren’t people. So I guess today begins my new life as a purple dragon.
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We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.
Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.
If only
[AA meeting]
Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist
Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?
M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.
I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.
Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.
Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.
COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”
It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.
Great Canadian literature.
Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
*fighting with the husband*
He: deal with it!!
Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.