David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
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Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie
*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*
4yo does not want to go to school anymore, she wants to be homeschooled
I told her I will homeschool her this week and then she will go back to school next week. She’s delighted!
(There is no school this week)
Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary numberDaughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!
We need to put an American base on the sun
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?
Neighbour: Get out of my house!
Me: You’re not even guessing.
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
[first date]
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?
Me: b-e-e.
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner
doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him
ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying
WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?
ME: first of all, he says you’re rude
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
I don’t call myself pesky for nothing
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.
when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before