Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants

This is just a bottomless Pitt

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Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.


*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?


Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.


Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked


My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.


The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles


Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-

Some guy: Be rich?

Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it


Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.


I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.