day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island
day 18: im starting to think that help will never come
day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!
day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen
You Might Also Like
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
How come those cross species adoption videos are always cats or dogs raising baby birds? Just once I’d like to see a hawk enthusiastically barfing into a kittens mouth.
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
coworker: those are some crazy socks
me: well I guess th-
socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE
ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne
pizza
For April Fool’s Day, Pizza Hut Taiwan has rolled out a “flavorless” pizza, which is just a giant hole with nothing inside
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
My mom: Easter is at noon on Sunday.
Me: I’m not religious but I’m pretty sure Easter is all day.
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
Used to work with a grumpy older guy called Philip Eno and I was always too scared to ask if he was related to Brian Eno. Anyway, years later I actually met Brian and I said to him: “Is your brother Philip Eno?”. He replied: “No, he’s English”.
[zoo]
wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear
My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.
Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)
Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon
when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.