Day 1 of being kidnapped.
Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back.
Husband is asking for more money.
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SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE
Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.
50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.
Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby
ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work
Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
Police Sketch Artist: We need to get his face out there ASAP. I’m going to need you to describe him to me.
Me: He looked like the type of person who wouldn’t be ashamed to ride a tricycle in public.
Police Sketch Artist: *pencil poised* Um…
Me: That’s all I got my man.
The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”
*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.
My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.
Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus
God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
God: you’re a centipede.
Centipede: what does that mean?
God: you have 10 legs.
Centipede: that’s not enough legs.
God: how many do you want?
Centipede: 100 LEGS : )
God: ok but don’t tell Snake.
Snake: don’t tell me what?
God:
Centipede:
Snake: guys don’t tell me what?
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen