@THEDUTHCHESS

Day 1 of being kidnapped.

Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back.

Husband is asking for more money.

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@beefman138

Why would you ask me for directions?

You just saw me walk into a closed door.

@jjhartinger

ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.

@chuuew

My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.

@wendchymes

We’re having lobsters for dinner .

Update – we have pet lobsters now

@3sunzzz

[hotel fire alarm]

M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?

H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.

M: impressive

@druuuck

Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*

Mom: what was that?!

God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*

@buck4itt

Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.

@JakeSocial

First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
What?
-Never mind
What’s the problem?
-Nothing
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem

@mjkspeaks

Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.