Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health
Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower
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Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.
A pipe burst.
I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.
There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.
Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP
Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.
My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early
[Concert]
Singer: ARE YOU ALL ENJOYING IT?!!Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!
Me: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵛᵉʳʸ ˡᵒᵘᵈ
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”
Them: Can you help me?
Me: I don’t work here.
Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*
My boss: You need to stop doing that.
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
Strangers pay me a lot of money to give them advice but let me try and tell my teenager one single thing and it’s an automatic, “You don’t know anything.”
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.
12yo: imagine if cargo shorts existed as pants…
Me: they do, they’re called cargo pants
12yo: WHAT
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
Feel. He’s so soft.
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
my wife asked me “what sounds good for dinner?” so I said “I dunno, what sounds good to u?” and she responded “I’m up for whatever” and now it’s been a week and we’re slowly dying of hunger
Breaking news:
Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!