day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
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Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!
Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.
PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.
The landlord knocks, and I open the door. Surprise, surprise: in lieu of paying the rent on time, I’ve grown an enormous mustache with curly ends. He sputters in rage as I laugh. We both know that I’m the landlord now
Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.
If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.
Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”
It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.
If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.
Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-
Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.
Me: colored diamond.
me: [angrily flipping over table] I TOLD U I HATE BOARD GAMES U CHEATING LITTLE SHIT
daughter: once again, how does one cheat at hungry hungry hippos
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.
Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?