Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!
Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*
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A collection of me turning into random objects.
A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
[Day at the beach]
*Puts suits on kids, slathers them with sunscreen, makes sandwiches, packs cooler, packs beach bags, lugs 50 lbs or crap to beach, trudges over sand, lays out blanket, puts up umbrella, sets up beach chairs, *
6yo after 30 minutes: I wanna go back home
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter
Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.
old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.
Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”
“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
mechanics be like
me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster
So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on saleMy search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
Me trying to reach for my goals
A fight or flight situation.
Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.
Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.
Whiskey: Yes you can.
Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.