Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
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Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
doctor: whats the problem?
me: my right leg is missing
doctor: no problemo
me:
doctor: great success, we’ve attached your leg
me: my left leg is missing now
doctor: no problemo
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
who named him groot and not spruce lee
Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.
My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.
Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”
Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]
Possum: [pops up]
Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]
Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]
A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol
What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.
covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)
If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body
My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith
ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus
JON: Bad medicine is what I need
ME: Can someone take Jon home please
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.