day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
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If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.
I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.
me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.
“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”
Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.
Me: Yes. She did that.
WIFE: OMG how did grandma’s ashes get knocked off the mantel?
ME: Actually I think it was-
*cat makes throat slice gesture*
-the wind
[Men’s Deodorant Scent]
Pure Swagger for 72 hours Steel Cage Match Wrestling a Half Man Half Crocodile like Creature[Women’s Deodorant Scent]
Lavender
How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?
An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
I couldn’t afford an Ancestry DNA kit, so I announced that I won the lottery. I soon found out who my relatives are.