Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
You Might Also Like
[explaining fingernails to an alien]
ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.
ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.
[Life after lockdown]
My Hairstylist: WTF
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.
This is my pinned tweet
Always the barmaid, never the bar.
[holding a séance]
“Dear spirit world, we respectfully ask that you honor us with your presence this evening; which cryptocurrency should we invest in?”
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
[ Mt. Everest camp ]
First climber: hey where’s your buddy?
Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.
DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?
3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!
Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??
7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!
how to have fun when you’re poor
Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
If you’re a home repair guy a good business strategy is to follow guys home from Lowe’s after they buy a power washer and drop your business card in their mailbox.
*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*
Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?
Mummies are just super modest zombies
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!